No matter what he has done. No matter what between us transpired. No matter the truth in it's dual-sided entirety. I love him. My love is true. Always has been.

In Disgrace

The trouble with trust, is that once broken, you will always and forever be guilty, no matter what.

I did a terrible thing. It broke his trust.

I stand now accused of other crimes the nature of which I am not privy to.
The trouble with trust is that once broken, you will always and forever be guilty.
I don't even care to defend myself.
I don't even want to.

He needs what he needs. He wants what he wants.
I will, as I have always done, love him enough to give him what he wants.

Neither of which, is me. Neither of which is my love.
He will move on. He will forget the love that was there.
He will survive.
He will live a long and full life, with love and happiness around him.

He will forget the love story.
The tiny moments will fade, the memory will disappear.
The whispers before bed, the mumm and rar, will never come from him again.
He will forget me.

There will be no treasure map to save us.

Someone will come. Someone he will love. It won't be me.

I know how it will work for him and I know how it will work for me.

I will not love again.
I will forever remember every day. I will remember every hour and every physicality.
His eyes, the beautiful eyes that saw me with such love.
Every memory is etched in not only my mind, rather my very being.
I am of emotion. It is who I am.
I will hear his voice and shun happiness.
I will know what was to have loved pure.
I will strike out angered by love.
Marred by her diseased sense of humor.

I will lay my head nightly only to hear
him call me his forever baby. To hear his words in the darkness when I am alone.


I will always love Jonathan. I will always love no other.
I know it sounds incipid. Dramatic.
Believe me, it is indeed the truth.
A truth I'd rather not live to suffer.

They say time heals all wounds.
They don't know me. They don't know what it is to love.
I know time will pass. I know the initial pain will subside.
I know day to day will resume.
This I know.
I also know that each and every one of those days,
the days for the rest of forever, I will think of him.
I will spend longing for him.
I will spend begging Heaven.
It will move from the knife in my soul it is today to a spike in my heart,
a dull, aching pain of a wound that will not heal.
I'd rather not live to suffer that.

"There is no part of me that wants anything to do with you."

Love has taken him.
Is there no treasure map?

In The End Of All Things

I am nothing now.

I have many questions to which I fear there will be no answer.
What happened to us? To the man I love so deep? To me?

I crowd my heart's hollow chambers with questions.
I have no answers.

I beg still for the sleep.

Death Shall Have No Dominion

There is nothing now but silence.
Deafening, maddening silence.
I weigh in my head many a thought, an angle.
I bang my head against the rocks looking for answers.

Love has taken everything, leaving me to suffer in the wake of her mighty withdrawal.
Time has impaled me upon his mighty spear. Neither leaves room for forgiveness of transgression. Neither is as iron as once promised.

How do you go from where we were, born centuries ago to love, pure and biblical to where we are today?

There was a time when I believed in love. When I believed the great words of the poet, when Shakespeare knew everything. There was a time it seemed the great love stories were told in anticipation of my love for him, his for me; told in reflection.
I don't believe in Love, in Her anymore as savior, bringer of light. I believe now that she is a demon, sent to tempt us with her promises of unending days in goodness spent. That she will twist the truth, make it her own and as a sword bring it down upon the necks of us all. We are pawns that, once marked, never again to fall into grace.

Today, there is only silence. Deafening, hardened silence.
I long for the Sleep. I beg to be taken.

The Sleep doesn't come.

I beg for mercy, knowing time will bring but temporary relief.

I am ruled by my emotions. So much so that rational thought and judgement leave me.

What relief will come in time?

No matter the temporary joy of futures brought,

I will always be him. He and he alone to bring light,

to bring fire.

He will never come. I will never live.

I should never love.

Love's the great deceiver.

She gives, at a price.

She gives to take away when interest has occurred.

She clears rationale from me, leads me to foolishness.

Love laughs in my face. She has abandoned me.

Her whispers in the night,

pushing memory upon memory into my sleepless night.

She is the trickster by which I fell. She will claim her dominance,

Her omnipresent power over me, over this, to watch me crumble.
To watch me die.

There are no more tomorrows.

Forever has left, shame has slammed the door. 

I am a fool, having nothing, deserved of nothing. 

Life, you can take no more.