In Disgrace

The trouble with trust, is that once broken, you will always and forever be guilty, no matter what.

I did a terrible thing. It broke his trust.

I stand now accused of other crimes the nature of which I am not privy to.
The trouble with trust is that once broken, you will always and forever be guilty.
I don't even care to defend myself.
I don't even want to.

He needs what he needs. He wants what he wants.
I will, as I have always done, love him enough to give him what he wants.

Neither of which, is me. Neither of which is my love.
He will move on. He will forget the love that was there.
He will survive.
He will live a long and full life, with love and happiness around him.

He will forget the love story.
The tiny moments will fade, the memory will disappear.
The whispers before bed, the mumm and rar, will never come from him again.
He will forget me.

There will be no treasure map to save us.

Someone will come. Someone he will love. It won't be me.

I know how it will work for him and I know how it will work for me.

I will not love again.
I will forever remember every day. I will remember every hour and every physicality.
His eyes, the beautiful eyes that saw me with such love.
Every memory is etched in not only my mind, rather my very being.
I am of emotion. It is who I am.
I will hear his voice and shun happiness.
I will know what was to have loved pure.
I will strike out angered by love.
Marred by her diseased sense of humor.

I will lay my head nightly only to hear
him call me his forever baby. To hear his words in the darkness when I am alone.


I will always love Jonathan. I will always love no other.
I know it sounds incipid. Dramatic.
Believe me, it is indeed the truth.
A truth I'd rather not live to suffer.

They say time heals all wounds.
They don't know me. They don't know what it is to love.
I know time will pass. I know the initial pain will subside.
I know day to day will resume.
This I know.
I also know that each and every one of those days,
the days for the rest of forever, I will think of him.
I will spend longing for him.
I will spend begging Heaven.
It will move from the knife in my soul it is today to a spike in my heart,
a dull, aching pain of a wound that will not heal.
I'd rather not live to suffer that.

"There is no part of me that wants anything to do with you."

Love has taken him.
Is there no treasure map?