Thank You...In General Though

You're welcome.
Not for the many times you'd be running and I'd come get you. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because to you I never say no. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because I put my career on the line because I believe in you. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because you drive even though it means I'm stranded while you have fun. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not for the times I take you on adventures. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because you are fed and your pocket isn't empty. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not for the times I'm alone and I worry. In general though.
You are welcome.
Not because I buy things for you just to see a smile. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because my home and my bed are shared and open to you. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not for silently hurting while you tell me about amazing sex with everyone...but me.
In general though.
You're welcome.
Not for the times I offer guidance. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because I offered myself in your place. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not for trying to keep you on track. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not for the essays and articles. In general though.
You're welcome.
Not because I love without being loved.
 In general though.
You are welcome
Because in all of this, you are not a burden, you are a blessing. In general though.

A few forgotten lessons

I haven't posted since January of this year partially because I'm lazy and partially because I really haven't had anything noteworthy to write about.

No good deed goes unpunished. Don't ever be surprised by this.
Placing someone else's needs in front of your own can and often does leave you taken advantage of. You should still put others before yourself.
You should be careful how much you invest in others. They may just keep taking and resent you when you no longer give.
Unrequited affection is a perfect reason to leave.
Anyone who makes you feel like less or makes you question yourself is a damn ENEMY.
If you are ashamed of how you feel, you are a damn fool. Own your fucking feelings.
If someone is willing to allow you to compromise yourself to benefit themselves, again, ENEMY.
If you don't work hard, you get nothing. Quit bitching.
If you do work hard, chances are, you'll still get nothing. Quit bitching.
The world owes you nothing.
If someone is good to you, appreciate that shit and return it in kind. There are too many shitty people for your lack of gratitude.
Your goals should include making life better.
You will hurt someone eventually. The aim is to hurt as few as possible and show compassion when you have to do it.
People are assholes. Greedy, selfish takers. All people. Unless you're the Pope, or Jesus.
If someone hurts you, as hard as it may be, don't kill them.
If you love someone and they don't love you, why are they there? Why are YOU?
If you're attracted to someone and they aren't attracted to you, why are they still there?
If you are someone's back-up, you fucking deserve that shit.
Closets are for fucking clothes.  So are damn labels.
Fuck the Jones'. I have my own drummer, my own life ideal. You do you.

There. Some life lessons I feel like sharing.

Exile and the Watchtower

I built Watchtower four years ago. I had found myself stumbling through the dark, damp alleyways of my soul. Afraid. Weak. Alone. With every step, I seemed unable to evade my inner demons as they taunted; tripping, pulling at me and laughing at me from the shadows with a sinister conviction only the ghosts of children's nightmares can conjure.

I had lost my job, my love, my friends and my self.  If I was to survive, I needed to escape.  I needed to retreat and heal. I had to regain focus. I had work to do.

While I could spin tales of how and why, those are stories for another day. What is important is that somewhere in my partially self imposed exile, I found something. I found that in my singularity, I am strong. I found the Watchtower. 

From my perch, I was able to focus on my amazing career. I was able to focus on a gift I've been given and hone skills most couldn't understand. I found my center. I was able to call upon talents and discovered that these talents can protect and guide others. 

From my place of exile, my fortress in the sky, I can and I do, make the difference. 

Forgive the vagueness. Forgive me for my brevity. It's late and I'm tired. I needed practice.

To All the Girls I've Loved Before

I dedicate this post to the women in my life both past and present
who have shaped, influenced, taught and loved me. 

As March draws herself to a close and Michigan slowly ushers in her spring season, an old friend reminded me that it is Women's month. 
Normally I don't get in for "themed" months, rather finding them silly or distasteful, but I'll spare the opposition here in favor of the great ladies in my life. It's a glimpse into what I see as special and hope you find it special too.

Mom, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look back and thank God for you.
I remember breaking my thumb in grade school and you found a way for me to do up my pants despite my cast. When we discussed Stranger-Danger during one of the many summer trips to Sugarloaf, you gave us the safe word "Terrifying Duck."  You made sure we knew what family was and the importance of sticking together as one. There were family vacations, trips to the lake and water fights that weren't limited to the outdoors. You were my biggest supporter when it must have been hardest to love me. You put yourself through school so you could teach others and you refused the notion that your body would dictate your limitations. I see you with your grandchildren and hope one day they will know what an amazing person you are. I love you.

Margaret Elizabeth, the going hasn't always been easy for you and me. I'm grateful that we grew into adulthood and through making our peace became close. You're an amazing mother and I hope you remember to live a life that is anything but beige. I admire your strength and your discipline. I love you.

Ma'am, thank you. You are every bit the grandmother I need and love.

Grandmother Harrison, you've inspired me in ways you never could have known. I wish you could have seen how it all turned out.

A- sup hoe? you're 30 years deep with this and we can't seem to shake it. You've saved my bacon more than once and gave me my life back. My confidant, my friend, my most lovely and inappropriate friend. Words aren't there for the shenanigans we continue to pull. I'd say crazy, but we know that's not true.
You're strength is inspiring and your insight is remarkable. Morning coffee never tasted so good.

Kathy G., you were the friend I needed when I needed one the most. You taught me it was not only ok to march to my own drummer but expected I should have my own marching band. You taught me much about being my own person and you shaped me in ways only a big sister could.

Cat, you were my first girlfriend and we see how that turned out. You're my friend and sister. Your family is my family.
You and I never have enough time. I love you and I miss you terribly. You and that brother of yours, you gave me hope.

Chrissy- not many people can say they have a friendship that falls generations deep. In fact, when we were little, I thought we WERE cousins.  I am truly glad to have grown up with you and honored that I still call you friend. I love you and hope
that in this life and next, friends we will remain. Oh, and sorry about the white kitten on your birthday that one year.

All of these women have faced obstacles of great difficulty and not only survived, but thrived. They serve as inspiration and influence and the world is a better place with them in it.

Goodbye.

I wish you luck.
I harbor no ill will.

I have long since forgotten what it was like to be your friend.
I have long since forgotten what it was like to love you.

I no longer keep any reminder of what was, because what IS is what matters.

I am ready. I am open. Without you, I am free.

I suppose in a twisted way, I owe you thanks.
Thank you for behaving the way you did. I came out stronger and proved to myself yet again that not you, not anyone will break my faith or my belief that my spirit cannot be broken.

Thank you.

I am at peace. I am whole. I sincerely hope you will someday find the same.

I briefly want to say...

Wow, it's been a while. While writing is one of the things I love most, I find it also one of the more difficult things for me to do. I feel the constant need to write, but I cannot just write. It must have meaning. It must come from the depths of me. It must send a message. I haven't really had much of that in me as of late, and when it comes, I find myself overwhelmed and unable to focus on one topic at a time.

Much has changed over the past year. Much indeed. It's inevitable. We live, we grow, we evolve.
I'm still in the small country town I was in last year, far removed from the disappointment that my life in the city had left me with. I'm stronger here, at least for the time being, surrounded by people who love me. Family in every aspect.

I'm back to work. Loving my job. Proving to the world that I am indeed the best man for the job.
Challenging and rewarding.

I have everything I need.

Life is good.

Valentine's Day 2007

Monday, February 12, 2007

My phone is always within hear-shot
At constant touch if silent
Ready for a call from you or everyone else
You’d think things have calmed down by now
You’d think the dust would settle

I still can’t see my hand at my face

Not that I would need eyes to see you
Or ears to hear your voice
Your scent
Your rhythm

We just know

Is it wrong to talk about such things so soon?
It is taboo to talk about the future with only countless I love you’s tallied
Taboo to talk about children?
And how they will have Mohawks and tiny leather jackets?
Aviator shades and the combined attitudes of their fathers?
Your temper?
My cool?

Talks about how I’ll get a call from the neighbors when I get home from work
Saying that dad and the little ones were once again up to no good
I’ll go over there and fix their window
No TV for them
No me for you
Not tonight 
I’m tired from work and fixing that goddamn window
You owe me a backrub anyway

If this dust should ever settle
If our path finally or suddenly becomes clear to us
We just might find that
In vision granted
We’ll be exactly where we needed to be

And if it doesn’t
I would willingly wander aimlessly blind, deaf and disoriented
So long as I know that it’s your hand I feel
Holding mine

Balloon Project: We Have Lift-Off

225 Red Balloons. I found that putting the message IN the balloon was better. It would/will keep the message dry without the added weight of the plastic bag.  I am a little worried that I won't get the response, but we'll see. Like a message in a bottle, but in a balloon. I'll keep you posted.

Life takes some unexpected turns. It will knock you down. It will fool you into making choices that you will wish you hadn't made. Life is a prankster. 

I can't lose sight either, of the fact that Life is also wise. It is kind and it is giving.  It gives second chances. I loves people who have faith.

Have a cornucopia of things going on here as of late. Personal stuff that makes me weary and tests my resolve.

I am in love. Always will be.

That's all I have for now, but I promise I'll be back with something worth-while soon enough.

The Balloon Project

Sometimes as adults we are inspired by the things we did as children. Such is the case with the Balloon Project. 

I will be sending hundreds of messages, each one containing not only it's individual message, but a piece of a puzzle and a link to here, up in balloons. Hundreds of balloons, each one carrying a piece of me.

What I get back will be interesting. It may compose a poem, a story, maybe just a series of random postings. I won't know, until I compile and post. 

I know full well that what is sent out will not all return, but I would like to see what does come back and how it comes together. 

I'll keep you posted. 

D

Sometimes life is an asshole.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

So very sick. So very tired.

Life stands still. 

Expect to see more here soon. 

very soon.

No matter what he has done. No matter what between us transpired. No matter the truth in it's dual-sided entirety. I love him. My love is true. Always has been.

In Disgrace

The trouble with trust, is that once broken, you will always and forever be guilty, no matter what.

I did a terrible thing. It broke his trust.

I stand now accused of other crimes the nature of which I am not privy to.
The trouble with trust is that once broken, you will always and forever be guilty.
I don't even care to defend myself.
I don't even want to.

He needs what he needs. He wants what he wants.
I will, as I have always done, love him enough to give him what he wants.

Neither of which, is me. Neither of which is my love.
He will move on. He will forget the love that was there.
He will survive.
He will live a long and full life, with love and happiness around him.

He will forget the love story.
The tiny moments will fade, the memory will disappear.
The whispers before bed, the mumm and rar, will never come from him again.
He will forget me.

There will be no treasure map to save us.

Someone will come. Someone he will love. It won't be me.

I know how it will work for him and I know how it will work for me.

I will not love again.
I will forever remember every day. I will remember every hour and every physicality.
His eyes, the beautiful eyes that saw me with such love.
Every memory is etched in not only my mind, rather my very being.
I am of emotion. It is who I am.
I will hear his voice and shun happiness.
I will know what was to have loved pure.
I will strike out angered by love.
Marred by her diseased sense of humor.

I will lay my head nightly only to hear
him call me his forever baby. To hear his words in the darkness when I am alone.


I will always love Jonathan. I will always love no other.
I know it sounds incipid. Dramatic.
Believe me, it is indeed the truth.
A truth I'd rather not live to suffer.

They say time heals all wounds.
They don't know me. They don't know what it is to love.
I know time will pass. I know the initial pain will subside.
I know day to day will resume.
This I know.
I also know that each and every one of those days,
the days for the rest of forever, I will think of him.
I will spend longing for him.
I will spend begging Heaven.
It will move from the knife in my soul it is today to a spike in my heart,
a dull, aching pain of a wound that will not heal.
I'd rather not live to suffer that.

"There is no part of me that wants anything to do with you."

Love has taken him.
Is there no treasure map?

In The End Of All Things

I am nothing now.

I have many questions to which I fear there will be no answer.
What happened to us? To the man I love so deep? To me?

I crowd my heart's hollow chambers with questions.
I have no answers.

I beg still for the sleep.

Death Shall Have No Dominion

There is nothing now but silence.
Deafening, maddening silence.
I weigh in my head many a thought, an angle.
I bang my head against the rocks looking for answers.

Love has taken everything, leaving me to suffer in the wake of her mighty withdrawal.
Time has impaled me upon his mighty spear. Neither leaves room for forgiveness of transgression. Neither is as iron as once promised.

How do you go from where we were, born centuries ago to love, pure and biblical to where we are today?

There was a time when I believed in love. When I believed the great words of the poet, when Shakespeare knew everything. There was a time it seemed the great love stories were told in anticipation of my love for him, his for me; told in reflection.
I don't believe in Love, in Her anymore as savior, bringer of light. I believe now that she is a demon, sent to tempt us with her promises of unending days in goodness spent. That she will twist the truth, make it her own and as a sword bring it down upon the necks of us all. We are pawns that, once marked, never again to fall into grace.

Today, there is only silence. Deafening, hardened silence.
I long for the Sleep. I beg to be taken.

The Sleep doesn't come.

I beg for mercy, knowing time will bring but temporary relief.

I am ruled by my emotions. So much so that rational thought and judgement leave me.

What relief will come in time?

No matter the temporary joy of futures brought,

I will always be him. He and he alone to bring light,

to bring fire.

He will never come. I will never live.

I should never love.

Love's the great deceiver.

She gives, at a price.

She gives to take away when interest has occurred.

She clears rationale from me, leads me to foolishness.

Love laughs in my face. She has abandoned me.

Her whispers in the night,

pushing memory upon memory into my sleepless night.

She is the trickster by which I fell. She will claim her dominance,

Her omnipresent power over me, over this, to watch me crumble.
To watch me die.

There are no more tomorrows.

Forever has left, shame has slammed the door. 

I am a fool, having nothing, deserved of nothing. 

Life, you can take no more. 

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K. 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. 

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!! 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. 

If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS! 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our livesfor our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

Lost. Lonely. 

When the whole thing began, I was wanted. I was wanted and I was loved. 

It's painful when you find out that you are no longer adored. 

It hurts even more when you realize you are no longer desired.

It is unbearable to feel un-loved.